It is time for a journal (everyone please cheer)

I've seen time and time again on people's pages that they created a Neocities account because social media was toxic and they wanted to leave. I think that's awesome, but it did make me wonder, what is it exactly that makes Neocities different? Does anything? To me, social media is toxic because it's the internet, and there are thousands of people on the internet who want to share their opinions and have different triggers and think that when you make a post you're addressing it towards whoever happens to read it instead of your target audience. Since nobody knows how to use a block button and move on with their lives, this triggers fights and hate. I also believe the internet is toxic because our culture encourages us to be self obsessed- many of us want likes and clicks and reposts and attention and love, and feel insecure when we don't recieve it.

Wanting to leave places like that sounds fun and good and great and all, but the thing is, Neocities- as a space on the internet where you can interact with others- doesn't eliminate thse problems, does it? It certainly doesn't eliminate the desire for praise- thats why so many sites have guestbooks. Maybe the people here are less toxic? Can't say I've seen a mean comment so that might be it. Maybe it's the feeling of complete ownership over a little place on the internet? The pride of learning HTML and making that place yourself? The feeling that coding a website is at least better than doomscrolling?

You there, dear reader- did you leave Neocities because you were tired of social media? If so, what're the differences you've observed?

Why does this feel like the title to a Sanders Sides episode lmao. Anyways, the answer is yes and I'm not going to apologize.

I wish I knew of more complicated characters/narratives.

Anyways, now I have to go do a bunch of other interviews with sites I only applied to because I have to find somewhere to internship at, and pretend each place is the site I'd really like. I have to do all that while thinking in the back of my mind that if the place I was most qualified to work at didn't want me, there's no way any other place will either. All these dramatics let me know I'm still young.

Do I want to add a guestbook to this site? Probably not. After writing so many fics last year I sorta realized that getting comments was what everyone wanted, but- personally- getting comments didn't make me happy. Well, they did for a little bit, but then that feeling of happiness would pass pretty quickly and I'd be left waiting for another comment to arrive to give me another dopamine hit. Dear reader, I don't care what you think of me- good or bad.

Why has that book I ordered from the library not arrived yet...

When I was younger I think it used to scare me that I gained and lost interest in things so quickly. I'd be obsessing over a character/project/idea for months and then one day they/it'd be basically dead to me. Did this mean I never truly cared about anything? How was I ever going to find a job I liked? Well nowadays I'm still like this, but it doesn't concern me as much. I'm not sure what changed, maybe I've just made peace with it as time has gone on. Maybe I've realized that there are a couple things I have cared about my entire life (helping others, my family, etc.), and those things are what's most important. It was really annoying last year when I was into writing fanfic though. I couldn't try and make anything too long because by the time I got halfway though I'd have no passion for it anymore and abandon the project. Anyways, that's why this neocities site will likely be abandoned too some day soon lol.

I also had an interview today, hoping I get the position!

When I was younger (literally last year) I used to think I was really good at writing. Now that I'm (one year) older, I realize that my personal writing has a tendency to be extremely wordy and confusing. This is especially unfortunate, because I spent a lot of time last year writing fanfics, and now I feel that in order to preserve my dignity I should delete half of them.

I volunteered at a festival this morning (joyous and beautiful). And then I spent the rest of the day procrastinating on work I desperately needed to get done and specifically cleared my schedule this weekend to do (awful and horrible)

Hey there reader, remember when you read my entry for August 23rd 2026 and I described now I was in a terrible horrible no good very bad funk? Well you'll never guess what came back tonight! (save me). I think I knew I was approaching this point early afternoon- maybe even since yesterday- but it's taken complete hold now lol. It's unfortunate too because I had a paper that was due tonight and as of writing this I'm like 'I don't care consequences be damned' but I know my future self is going to be freaking the fuck out cause it's 10% off each day it's late. Anyways it's always weird being in one of these moods cause absolutely nothing brings me joy, and I'm not tired enough to sleep, so I've just been kinda alternating between miserably checking out other neocities (whats the singular form of neocities? Neocity?) sites and then miserably watching videos

In other news, there's this girl in a club I'm a part of, and we wound up at the same volunteering thing a couple weeks ago, and she was all like: 'I'd like to be friends with you' so I invited her out to do something but let her pick the date, and she uh, hasn't goten back to me yet. Or tried to reach out even once. Hm. I think next time we have club together I'll ask if she wants to grab dinner or something? I'm totally fine with leaving her alone if she wants to be left alone I just have no idea what to think at this point. Would asking be creepy? Whatever I'm doing it anyways- worst thing she can do is think I can't take a hint and tell everyone she knows about how I made her feel uncomfortable, right? Honestly think I was just destined to be friendless lol. Except for Bee maybe, Bee's pretty awesome. And Isa, I just wish he knew how to answer his phone.

Speaking of friends, I love complaining about others but lets not forget the self sabatoging! Dear reader, remember when you also read my entry for August 20th 2026 and I mentioned how I was happy to have this one friend(?) in my class. Ummmm alright so upon further consideration and more hanging out I think she might be like- a tad too weird for me. I feel horrible typing that but uh, yeah I'm not sure we vibe. After we hung out/spoke for the first time in a couple months she sorta starting traumadumping about some intense stuff. Which I mean, I get it- it was ongoing so she'd probably been thinking about it all day, and I know when I'm overwhelmed I do the exact same thing, especially when it comes to self hatred- but still. Maybe let's reconnect a little first, especially before you start discussing your sex life and the topic of suicide? Especially in public???

Another thing that rubbed me the wrong way was that she kept repeating the same issue over and over, even after I had already offered advice. Now, if you're dutifully reading these entries for the sole purpose of trying to figure out how to mentally destroy me, let me give you a little advice: there's nothing that drives me more insane than someone asking for my advivce and then completely ignoring that advice. At that point don't even ask in the first place??? I despise talking in circles. Anyways I take it back this isn't self sabatoge this is me having prefrences on who I want to be friends with, which is a very normal and healthy thing that I'm allowed to have. I wish the best for her (and also she's like one of the smartest people I've ever met which is cool) but I'm not sure that friendship is for me. Unfortunately, we still have class together, and I think she very much still wants to be my friend. I have absolutely no clue how to handle this, and with my luck, if I do the mature thing of honestly explaining the situation we'll get placed in a group project together. Hold on a sec- is that even the mature thing to do? Who wants to be told to their face: 'hey man I used to want to be friends but after getting to know you a little better I kinda don't want to be around you anymore... sorry!' If someone did that to me I'd start sobbing on the spot. Idk I wish there was a more socially acceptable way to explain to someone that you don't think a friendship is working out. That'd solve so many problems, in my humble opinion.

Y'know, I think all this typing has actually been helping with the funk. I also think I'll go chat with the guy who lives in my dorm tomorrow cause I think human interaction would be good for me. In case you couldn't tell, I am typically lacking that.

Another child was murdered in Gaza, Wafaa Abu Akila and her father on her first day of school. I don't know how people justify this. Do they think a little girl posed a threat to anyone? Do they think she was secretly part of Hamas? Some people are delusional, some are racist, and those who support Israel are both.

My friend came to visit and we hung outttttttt. It was so awesome. She and I and two of her friends got food and went shopping together and for once in my life I didn't feel super awkward around other human beings. Like I wore a giant bookbag which was so awkward and also it hurt but aside from that I was so chill and I felt like everyone got along fine.

Also, this has been bothering me for some time now, so I shall share it with internet strangers: once upon a time I was trying really, really hard to be friends with someone online. And we were friends! Sorta! I would message her and she was always super happy to talk to me and we chatted about a bunch of stuff. But the thing is, at some point, later on in our relationship, I realized that I had started to become the only one of us reaching out to the other, and if I didn't mssg I wouldn't hear from her. Now, I really loved this person. She was so smart, and really really funny, and I could tell she thought I was cool. If I was stuck on an abandoned island with one other person- anyone in the world- I think I'd either want it to be her or my old roomate. However, the realization that she had stopped reaching out also came at the time I was starting to give myself a lot more self respect. I felt so, so, lonely, but I'd rather be alone than try to keep up a relationship with someone who couldn't ever seem to find the time to ask me how my day was. So I stopped messaging her, and we never messaged again. Now, that's just the setup for what this post is really about- cause I stalk her tumb sometimes (cause it's based fr) and one day, what do I see on her page but a retweet of a popular webweave... A webweave about always feeling unwanted in relationships. Dear reader, when I say I almost crashed the fuck out let me tell yo- okay no, I didn't crash out, but I did stare at it in utter bafflement. Like, hello???? Huh?????????? you're the one who made me feel unwanted- girl I would've killed someone for you! Okay so logicallly I know her life probably just got busy or something, or even if it didn't I'll always respect someone's decision to leave a friendship because they aren't vibing with the other person anymore, but still- seeing that post on her dash felt illegal.

Couldn't volunteer yesterday at this one event cause I was still feeling sick. Don't think I can volunteer next week on the weekend cause I'm planning on having my sister come visit. I must get back on the volunteering grind somehow- I think it's good for me, and makes me feel like I have a purpose.

Also, despite having 0 time to read, I have checked out John Green's book about Tuberculosis from my local library. I wanted to read more fiction but alas- can't find either of the two fiction books I'm currently interested in, now that Lamb is out of the question (A short stay in Hell and Killing Stella)

Currently coding a secret page on this site hehehe. Will I ever finish it? Probably not... Hehehe.

What is this sicknessssssss. Came back after I slept yesterday, but this time with a super stuffy nose and bad cough. Still feels like I'm on an upwards trend but like, why did the symtoms change? It's not whooping cough, is it? I don't know much about whooping cough but I hear the symptoms change after a few days.

I've figured it out guys, generative Ai is literally just thneeds from the Lorax. The only reason it's so big is because it's so big. Everyone's using it and that means everyone else has to use it.

Anyways I'm feeling much better today (thank you immune system!), I feel like I can feel the illness literally sweating out of me. (disgusting yet true)

I'm sick. Throat pain. Skull emoji.

Also, how did I just now realize that Deltarune is a small town horror game that's so cool I love small town horror I've decided

Seems like that Biff/Lamb book is about the chosen one going through the horrors because that's 'their fate' and the chosen one's best friend saying 'fuck fate' and trying to save them from those horrors. That's also so cool.... unfortunately it seems like it's 600+ pages which is a little too long for me

Hiked a mountain with a friend (Am) and went up my second ever firewatch tower it was SO cool

Volunteered through my school at a community garden this morning and then passed out for three hours afterwards. I really liked the volunteer group I was with this time, especially this one guy who just seemed really genuine. He was good at socializing and started singing a song that sounded like it was from a musical as we were pulling up weeds and was talking about the video games he played, and since the garden had free flowers he picked some for himself and passed out the rest to all of the girls. He was also pretty funny- he gave the girl in front of me a white flower cause she was dressed in all black and then gave me a pink one because 'I don't know your favorite color'. He also didn't have a single negative thing to say about anyone or anything- super optimistic dude.

The secret dream- the dream I haven't told anybody (except for literally everyone on the internet as of now)- is that I'd really like to become a college professor one day. The only issue is that I change my mind a lot, and would probably be terrible at it. I've been thinking though, maybe I should try. Maybe I should tell a professor or two about this, and ask for their advice.

Also, I met the other staff member who lives in my dorm today. She seems really nice, and was telling me how she got her job working with the university!

Made that Deltarune page. Feels like I've wasted my time at college.

I think last year I especially goofed and spent most of my time writing fanfic, which I only realize in hindsight wasn't something that would make me happy. I think the issue is I didn't commit to any long term thing. My first semester workload was horrendous so I wouldn't have had the time anyways, but I really should've done something extra that second semester, it was a lot of touch-and-go involvement. (I did do a lot of fun things though, like spraypainted with my old roomate, humane society with my old roomate, visited the library with my old roomate, gardening club, and meeting to drink coffee and discuss literature with one of my professors each week.)

College would've been more fun if I had found a friend group, I think, but I didn't find one. I think in part it's cause amost all the people in my major are sorority girls, and I am decidedly not. I would've done more hiking if I had people who had cars and who wanted to go with me, I've done a lot around camous by myself but it's just way more enjoyable with other people.

Feeling lonely. I wanna make a deltarune/undertale theory page for this site. Also, Dolly Parton passed and she was the only celebrity I thought was actually a good human being.

Out of the funk I developed over the weekend. Late to class by thirty minutes but my awesome proffesor was cool with it. Apparently I need to find an internship in the next three weeks??? So, so tired.

Did essentially nothing, aside from read some of a textbook, get a module of a food saftey course done, read some more of the ghost map, and sit around while the washer and dryer ran. Overall I was pretty sad. It was one of those days where I didn't answer my families attempts to reach out and I lowkey forced myself to eat something for dinner. I don't know why I get this way somethimes, but feeling this way is pretty common for me.

In mostly unrelated news, I miss my old roomate so much it hurts. She was one of the smartest people I have ever known, she was always willing to hang out, and we did like- such cool things together. I learned so much from her and she was a nerd like me- though we were interested in different things- and idk. We also balanced out each other pretty well I think, which was great cause I was still in my super insecure era back then. She knew all these amazing facts about the world and how to get good stuff cheap and she was funny and stayed in the room most of the time so we saw each other constantly. I knew how to draw and had all these places I wanted to see that I brought her along to do- or asked if she could bring the two of us. She said I seemed like the sort of person who could do anything, which is like the greatest compliment anybody has ever given me, and I felt the same about her. I never really missed my first roomate, or any of the other people who've ghosted me, or anything about my high school. This is the first time I've felt this sort of grief in a very long while.

Lonely, unproductive day

Did some volunteering today and was on time for once in my life. I felt so bad because I was cleaning out a fridge, and I think they wanted me to clean out two, but I work slow so I didn't get to the other one. Now they're probably gonna have to have someone else come in and work on it too when it was supposed to be done today. (Or maybe it's a good thing, cause this means someone else who needs volunteer hours/likes volunteering will get the chance to help? That place usually has too many volunteers- which seems silly to say- but in my expirience there's more people than tasks, especially later in the year)

Then I met up with two friends (who will from here on out be refered to as An and Am), and I took them to visit the man who lives in my dorm so they could meet the cat. Then I (somewhat reluctantly) gave them both skulls I had accidentally 3d printed too big, and took them to see one of the coolest buildings on this campus- a mostly abandoned old dorm hall where students have painted and drawn all over the walls. Then we all grabbed dinner together. All in all we hung out for like 4 hours straight which was awesome- I usually never hang out more than one person like that.

Lots of reading today (like literally that's all I did), I'm trying to get through "The Ghost Map" as soon as possible so I can then see what the hell "Lamb: the tale of Jesus' childhood friend Biff" is about

Also, okay so I've never played Deltarune, but from what I've seen I think it's so very cool. Specifically, I can't remember the last time I've seen a main character as flawed as Kris. Most of the main characters I've witnessed are meant to be role models or are trying their best to be a good person or at the very least have kind intentions, and if they aren't then they're meant to be funny. Kris just seems to be a messed up kid who's been failed by the adults in their life, and because they're hurt they make shitty choices that hurt other people. Also, they're weird! They're probs autistic (might just be my headcannon)! They have a mischievous heart full of evil hehehe! They love their friends so much! Susie is so fucked up too. And these guys are like- the prophesied heroes or whatever.

Also, apparently my one friend(?) who shares my major is in my class yay!

Today was chill. I met an older man who lives in my dorm building- he also works here as a professor! He as an adorable cat I got to meet, and since his room is like an apartment for him and his wife, he made lunch and I ate with him. He's progressive which is great, and he teaches about early American settler history. Apparently the puritans- who conducted the salem witch trials- weren't like completely horrible. For example, they believed that everyone should know how to read regardless of gender. Also, they were called the Puritans cause they thought they could purify the church of England with their beliefs. The Seperatists (Pilgrims) shared many of these beliefs, but thought that the Church of England was too corrupt or whatever to be saved and wanted to leave it.

After that I untangled some twine that was gonna be used in the garden with friends, and then me and one of those friends went to the library and chatted about random shit for like three hours.

The hunt for internships must begin soon. And the hunt for a credit card to sign up for. And the hunt for places that allow group volunteering. Point is, there's a lot that needs to get done.

I was pretty judgemental again today, wish I could stop thinking that everyone is lesser than me or whatever. It's probably a self confidence issue but what if it's not. I'd hate it if I were like- clinically defined as a narcasist. That's so cringe....

I took the wrong bus this morning, and I was originally sad about this because it would've allowed me to take a walk that I was interested in, but then while waiting for the next bus to arrive I saw a dear and a fawn??? It was so cool, especially because it was broad daylight and I didn't know there were deer around here.

I hung out in the library today. It was night and almost completely abandoned. It was so spooky. The really cool kind of spooky. I should do it again sometime.